Hello Everyone,
I hope that y'all are doing well and you haven't had too much severe weather where you live. Save for a few fast moving storms the weather here has been pretty nice, but we haven't had the wind we look for this time of year. Ya see, when we aren't shooting up heroin or smoking crack (I'm Kidding Of Course!!!), we fly kites this time of year. This year has had the lowest average daily wind speeds, in our area, for more than twenty years. Which leads to some pretty miserable outings if you expect to fly that day. All things considered, it's probably just as well in some regards. For those of you that don't know, i have, for brevity's sake, Bi-Polar Disorder. Now, in as much as I'd love to say i have a garden variety case and it's well managed, i can't. In true Greyeyes Family style, i am so far out on that branch, treating me is an exercise in resolve, patience, and forgiveness for my doctors, close friends and family.
I have been battling, as of late, with the thought that we will never find a drug combination which will either arrest my BPD cycles or at least slow the rate of them down to a point where i will be able to return to some sense of the life i once lived. I'm reasonably sure someone reading this will tell me not to give up and advances in neuroscience happen everyday, but i have already been told twice that there are only a few meds left for me to try and i shouldn't give up hope, but i shouldn't be looking for that silver bullet either.
This subset of meds that i haven't given a try are the new anti-psychotics. I just love that term! Although, they don't call them that, they call them mood stabilizers today. Such a handy little euphemism isn't it?? Out go the anti-psychotics and enter the mood stabilizers. ACK!!! The problem with these pills, for me, are the side effects. I mean have you ever seen a commercial for a medicine and they list the side effects and while they are reading them off, do you hear yourself saying, "Geez! the side effects are worse than the disease." Well i know i have. In this, lies the problem. I need to supplement what i take now with a "mood stabilizer", but i want to avoid the major side effects and i just haven't found the right one yet.
This may seem a bit personal, but I'm pretty clear headed this morning and i thought i would put it down before i forgot what i was thinking.
You know there was a long time when i didn't put too much credence into BPD and the progression of symptoms during a lifetime. I remember a time when i went about a year without any extremes, neither up nor down. Sadly, that med combination only made it about three years before i, rather suddenly, nearly stopped responding entirely.
I have been actively treated for this for nearly fifteen years. Add to that a hit or miss, as symptoms arose dosing practice for another decade and it's little wonder why there are so few meds left to try. It's not all bad news though, as of today, i am nearly weight neutral. Trust me, that's a tremendous step. In the last fifteen years i have gained about a hundred pounds. It would make me ill if i thought about that part much. I have also managed to get my extreme depression under pretty good control. So what's left you say?? Only the anxiety, poor sleeping, and the ever present threat of losing control into a rage filled state. Okay, so i need a "mood stabilizer" that aids in control of anxiety, in sleeping, and arrests the bouts of rage with a minimum of weight gain and no link to type II Diabetes. I guess that's not hoping for too much.
I have a son going to a special high school next year and is in a program called Medical Academic, who's curriculum is specifically designed for kids who want to grow up to be doctors. Maybe one day he'll find my pill or your pill. At the very least, i would hope he never loses his kind demeanor the way so many of us have by the things that jade our lives.
I bid y'all a pleasant day filled with satisfaction and gratitude. Dave
